Confusion Comes

To be read along with the song that inspired it:

“Evacuating London” -From the Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

Confusion comes. You are left in the middle. Each side you look to, offering no hope. Up? No. Down? What can you make of the ground?

The wall is your friend. As you stare, trying to see behind it. Surely it has secrets it is not telling you. Other lives it has seen. When the wood was a young tree,  where was its’ home?

In the middle I am. But my heart is not dormant. It hears and it feels. And it does hear.

What is that? Calling in the night. My heart awakes, and tells me something is terribly wrong. But how can it know that? My mind perceives no element, ….yet…desire…it comes.

Sickeningly so; But gone again, like the wind. I can feel the wind through the open window; coming and going. Hauntingly whispering about this world I now look for.

I wait another night, but one cannot catch the wind. I wait for desire.

I turn back to the wall. I stare harder. My heart pounds; maybe these walls DO have secrets. Where did the wood come from? Is it leading you back to its’ home in a giant wood far, far away?

I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes. I can almost imagine what it smelled like when it was young. The wind still whispering through my window.

There it is: Life. I hear it! I dreamed all my life about such discoveries, about discovering what my heart remembered in the night.

And just like that it is gone, and I am once again alone in my room with my face against the wall.

But I will not give up that easily, It will come again as Desire always does. It will knock on my wall in the middle of the night, urging me to come.

And come I will.

~ © Rachel W. Bradley

Edgars’ Surrender

A short inspirational to be read while listening to the song that inspired it.

To be read with Þú Ert Sólin- by Olafur Arnalds

~

The autumn leaves swirled at his feet; he didn’t notice.

The death that filled the air was too much for Edgars’ battered heart to take. He despairingly lifted his head towards the rustling trees as the sun took no notice of him and said her goodbyes.

He could hear the absence of laughter that filled the air. The doom that surrounded him filled his soul with a kind of longing he’d never felt before.

The park he once took pleasure in was laid before him unchanged, yet different. No, he was the one that had changed. In a single moment his world had crashed, leaving him alone in the world. How could one move on after such loss? After such a life had been lived. After such love had been known…

He aimlessly came upon a bench that had “In memory” engraved on the backrest.  He didn’t read the rest, one look and it was over. That was all it took to break down his wall.

“WHY?” He cried. He instantly looked toward the sky. “All I’ve ever known…gone. My life, my love, lie damp and lifeless in a grave. How can I survive?”

“My son….” he felt caress his cold face as the wind came tearing through the clearing.

Anger filled him, “How dare you refer to me as a son….” He sank down next to the bench, clutching at the bench arm with his left hand, and feeling the soft earth beneath him with his right.

“How dare you deny it. She was mine first. And so were you…”

Tears welled in his eyes. “For so long…..I’ve thought I was alone. Why choose now to try your hand at reconciliation?”

“Why has it taken this long for you to respond to my voice?”

Silence filled his mind and heart as he pondered those words with a new sense of discovery. Had he been running? He couldn’t say. So much had happened he didn’t know where the time had gone; he didn’t know where he had even been.

“Yes. You have been.” Came the voice, “It is time you look past your fears and failures and see what is waiting for you. What will never die. What I want to give.”

In spite of himself, while smirking he bitterly laughed. He didn’t want his truth to be known. But as his attempt at a cover up was laid bare as yet another failure, the bitter smirk turned to despair.

“What could you give me that could possibly fill this hole?” He finally asked, saying the words out loud into the crisp, silent air.

The wind rustled again, and he looked up at the rest of the engraving on the bench. One word caught his eye:

“LOVE.”
In recognition and, finally, surrender to the voice he hung his head. The tears overflowed into the soil below, mixing with the dirt and collecting as beads in the dust at his feet. He knew he couldn’t go on. Trapped in his skin he couldn’t escape. Staring at the mud, suddenly it became clear to him. And for once in God knows how long, a smile began to form on his face.

And he knew that maybe, just maybe he would be ok.

~

© Rachel Whitney 2010

*SPECIAL* Purdue Wedding

These are from a wedding I shot about a month ago.

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June. July. August. September…

A quick snapshot in photos from the previous months I’ve been procrastinating with updating about!

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It’s just like me to run from the one who loves me

Luke 4:28-30

‘When they heard these things, all in the synagogue were filled with wrath. And they rose up and drove him [Jesus] out of the town-” (continued)

I don’t think these people were really ready for a Messiah. They ahd become comfortable in their hearts and lives; so that even God himself couldn’t make them see.

I recognize this to a short degree in my life; where I will be wanting something in as far as a change, etc. But I won’t prepare my heart at all for it to actually come to pass, and I become comfortable and lazy; even apathetic to where I am in life. I settle into almost a sense of suspended time; where even though I am ‘wanting’ this future outcome, it is something my mind has decided happens in the future and not now, therefore I am never ready for it. Indeed, my mind fully expects and believes in its’ truth and reality, but my mind has so decided it is a future event that I can’t comprehend it ever being ‘now’. It’s sort of like this: when you were little, you thought ‘when I grow up….” for so long that it sort of imprinted itself onto your mind as a future event you may never reach that is far away in the distance.  For when you were ‘older’, did you have that ‘Aha!’ moment where you realized ‘I HAVE reached that stage!’ ? Well, probably not! You most likely went on thinking ‘someday’ wistfully, not realizing you have reached ‘that age’ you were referring to in the first place.

So we become lazy and our minds become conditioned to always thinking in the future tense that we can no longer properly prepare for those things to come and actually live those out into existence, because in our minds they have always been good thinking. These thoughts were never genuine thoughts that our mind expected to come to pass.

So with Jesus. They were so accustomed to ‘someday a savior’ that their culture became wrapped around the longing that was, well, ‘customary’. Their hearts were not actually in it, their hearts were not truly ready for a savior (at least, I speak of Israel as a whole, I’m generalizing; excluding those like Simeon and Anna, who were searching in their hearts for the Christ, therefore able to recognize and accept him when they saw him even as an infant!).

People don’t like change, especially when THEY themselves are asked to change. People tend to stiffen up, and rebel (like me at times!). They awaited a someday savior, but like most of us, the keyword was/is ‘someday’ and ‘not quite yet…..’. We don’t want to change yet, and we would rather float on down the river at a lazy pace than to fight the stream (or, whats worse, TOLD to fight upstream and HOW!) We are content in our laziness and complacency.

I also believe that we get a fixed image in our minds of our ‘ideal’ and we don’t actually see what it truly is. We don’t see the signs; so even if you were looking and you find it, you didn’t find what ‘you’ were looking for and thus, are disappointed and indignant  (for God did not answer your prayer the way you ASKED him to).

-rachel

England Bound

September 23? That looks about right….

I am getting my mind organized as to what I need buy here and there, and what needs to get done before the big move East. CHESTER HERE I COME!!

I have been talking with the financial advisers and its getting exciting!

I am learning that the money I worry about is Gods money and that he can handle it better than I ever could. I need not worry about the finances if he said he would pay about it; yet I do….but I am learning to let go.

It was exciting the other day as I talked with my good friend Gena (who is also moving to Berlin this fall for missions work/internship) about finances and how it’s all going to work out. We were explaining to each other how we feel God is leading us towards deeper and deeper faith and trust; and later that day I get a text from my aunt asking if we (Gena and I) want to come to work a few days for her at her business! Oh the little ways God provides….He is good. He looks out for his people and protects and provides for them. I am excited to see how he will work all this out.
ALL FOR HIS GLORY!

Lets just wait and see….:-D

-rachel

Destiny: Who are you?

Why does destiny feel like its always just around the corner? So close, yet, not quite here. It is still out of our grasps.

Maybe the question ought not be “where is destiny’?, But “WHO is destiny?” WHO is it that calls to our hearts in the middle of the night? WHO is it that speaks softly to our souls from an ocean breeze, carried across the waves? WHO is it that tells us we are not yet who we were meant to be. WHO is it that tells music to serenade us? The drip drip drip of rain, the echoing of dancing grass through an open field, the sun that filters hope and promise as it gives its salutations for each evening?

What?…No…..May I challenge you to dare yourself to believe that it is WHO.

And I’m still waiting. Maybe we should not  be LOOKING for ‘it’ around the corner, but searching for WHO and then before we know it, destiny will be upon us.

-rachel

The only exception..

What kind of world do I live in? Why do I feel so trapped within.

All of my tries have been useless, now I have nowhere to begin

It started out looking like magic, my own world where it all made sense

But here I am left in the winter, with no sign of spring, I’m beginning to freeze, and I find myself teetering the fence.

What happened when I lost sight of you, everything fell apart

Now these things where I once found passion, are entangling, strangling my heart.

There’s no more color in joy, the lens that I see is no longer green

And the places I have most longed to be, are lifeless, exceptionally.

Now I’ve nowhere to go, people, places, objects, shows,

That once held me captive, keeping me close

Are no longer keeping this life alive, so now tell me why to survive?

What happened when I lost sight of you, everything fell apart

Now these things where I once found passion, are entangling, strangling my heart

I no longer see any reason to continue on with a lie

So I’m faced with the truth that in opposition, It would be much more peaceful to die

But this is not the end of it, because you are the only exception.

And I’m on my way to believing…

Revelation Revelation…what took so long?

Real quick two revelations that came to me this week-

1. To trust God with a childlike faith is to still ask questions and be excited about the things to come, but to not worry about the details you cannot control. Like a parent who surprises a child with a trip to disneyland. That child will be excited and ask questions but won’t stress and worry day after day about the details of getting there, paying for the trip, and planning it, etc. The child automatically trusts the parent to have control over the planning and paying for the trip and waits expectantly for the gift.

2. To love others the way God wants us to, is to love them the way he loves us. So ask yourself, ‘why does he love me?’ It is not because you are lovable (because none of us are), it is because it is in his nature to do so; so therefore despite our fallen nature, he CHOOSES to treat us as if we are loveable. So in turn, his Spirit transforms us to be like him, to act according to His nature, not our sinful nature. This gives us the ability to then love the unloveable because His nature to do so is now within us.

Have a splendid day and may the fork be with you.

-rachel

Nothing new….except

It has certainly been awhile since I have updated- let me first say that my time in Houston was amazing. The wedding photos I took are available on my facebook, www.facebook.com/rachelwb

In other words, My job at Outback has been going well! I have  been enjoying it though it has been a bit of a struggle to get back into the restaurant industry. You never know until you try. I’ve also a second job now, though I have not started training yet. It is at a cafe that is opening in Mount Vernon on 1st, called Ristretto. I’m pretty excited about this!

I am currently waiting on the deposit I need of 1500 pounds for school. I am impatient and do not like waiting around, but that’s not for me to decide, I gave it to God, so his will be done. I just don’t like not knowing the details, but surprisingly I am not stressed or worried, only sort of annoyed at times :p (Because I know I should be patient, but I want to know NOW!)

People I know are heading off to Europe, and I am envious. I can’t wait to be back there.

I CANNOT wait for June. June 14-28th will be two of the best weeks of my life and I will probably die from laughing before that time is through. My favvs Cherylyn, Monika and Abby are coming to stay with me! <3 I cannot wait to see their faces in my airport!! It will be glorious.

I have been listening to Paramore quite a bit lately, and really really wish I had Hailey Williams’ voice. It is so good.

Listen here: